HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
translated into Canadian
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Girl, same.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!