Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
You Might Also Like
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My plans: 2020:
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
それは草
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!