HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Saturday
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces