HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”