Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Left at a local drug store…
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps