her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You Might Also Like
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Bloody internet 😳
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.