HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?