HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
This is a bad sign
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.