me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.