@upsidedowntrash: Onion rings... Onion rings... Onion rings... Onion rings... Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

@lovemydogduck: Instagram: "Look at my sushi!" Vine: "Look at my sushi for six seconds!"

@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky? Me: *takes the ducky* Why? 4: I dropped it in the toilet.

@Amusitr0n: *bullies advance* STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu! <laughter> *detectives arrive* Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

@SashaBrenner: "Get your fax straight!" - a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987