Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
You Might Also Like
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
kids play hide and seek like
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed