@DrCephalopod: [doctor's office] Me: My eye hurts. Doctor: Okay. But first let's have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

@ThatRascalPuff: No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*

@sixfootcandy: Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger. Me: *tases him* I’m not.

@mattgallo123: My third bottle of wine was able to "breathe" for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

@daemonic3: [traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets