my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.