Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
This hospital has everything
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.