bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A French press is when you hug naked
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
life finds a way
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf