I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
pelicons
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.