this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL