Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was