HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
You Might Also Like
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH