Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?