Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.