HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.