The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy