HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught