I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
hackers play passwordle
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Ape together strong
Got ya covered
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”