her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“I FIXED IT!”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?