Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Venn
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.