her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
They grow up so quick
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I identify as an antique shop.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.