Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Those are good neighbors.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human