HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]