HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.