Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
peep davidson
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I know a bad idea when I see one.