Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift鈥檚 bf: Aw babe I鈥檓 really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift鈥檚 bf: I鈥檒l go check the fridge
Me: it was my grandmother鈥檚 ring
Her: *gasp* it鈥檚 beautiful
Me: and this is my mother鈥檚 wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
The dinner I made tonight wasn鈥檛 great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My wife says move they鈥檙e honking, well they鈥檙e just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I鈥檓 little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i鈥檓 the last resort for many people.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.