Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser