Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
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Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
How does one answer this?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
i spent way too long on this
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI