I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
They’re not wrong
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides