Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
mom gave me mine for free
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.