Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
You Might Also Like
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.