HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
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20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.