Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Hot Panini is in big trouble