Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Liquor Store Parking
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?