Why does laundry happen to good people?
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point