My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?