HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
You Might Also Like
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me