Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.