🙂🐾
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Hello Twits.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.