HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”