HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
repaired
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
These aliens are taking forever.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
had to share :’)
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.