Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
forgive me baja for i have blast
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.