Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.