Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
become ungovernable