Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I hope they boil the right one.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.